I clicked the "submit assignment" button, waited for Turnitin's digital receipt to appear in my inbox, and stared at my laptop for a bit.
I guess that's it then, I thought, I'm done with uni.
…only to realise immediately after that I uploaded the wrong file in the excitement of submitting the last assignment of my three-year degree. So I emailed my lecturer to revert my submission to a draft which allowed me to submit the correct one instead.
I breathed a sigh of relief.
Now, I'm done with uni.
Well, I'm not officially done but I'm at least this much closer to the end once my final grades are released, and also after the graduation ceremony that's happening early next year back at home.
But in most ways, this is the end of uni life for me.
"So, what do you plan to do after you graduate?"
A question I have been asked every single time someone finds out that 2019 is the year I (finally) complete my degree.
If you asked me this at the beginning of the year, I would have given you my standard answer of saying that I'm not entirely sure but I've still got time to properly think about it once I graduate. I would then return home, think about that conversation in bed and wallow in the fact that I didn't know what I wanted to do in life.
If you asked me this in the middle of the year, I would have also given you that standard answer, return home, think about that conversation in bed but this time, wallow even more than before, knowing that the time for me to properly think about it was getting closer and closer and yet I still didn't know what I wanted to do.
If you asked me this about a month ago, I would have broken down in front of you right away and poured my heart out about how it always seems like I don't know what to do in life.
A big part of this uncertainty comes from looking around at people who seem like they have it all together — people with specialised and professional degrees where career paths are more direct, people whose passion about certain things are so evident with the amount of work that they put into it, people who are so driven in knowing that these are the things that they want to invest into for the rest of their lives, people who can tell you about the tangible goals that they want to achieve in this pursuit, with more or less a detailed five/ten-year plan that they can share whenever you ask them about it.
I am not one of those people, but don't get me wrong.
It's not that I am absolutely without direction or that I don't have at least the slightest idea of what I may possibly want to do as a career. I know what I really don't want to do, which helps in ruling out the things that I know I will never step into in the near future.
There are some things that I am passionate about and some things that I can see myself doing for a considerably substantial amount of time. There are also some things that I know I am gifted in doing and some things that I have continuously developed the skill for, but more so as a hobby, not so much as a career.
Simply put, it's a 'jack of all trades, master of none' kind of situation.
So when I look at these people who spearhead towards their goals with such focus, determination, and confidence in knowing that this is what they want to do in life, it makes me wonder why I can't say the same for myself.
These feelings of uncertainty further overwhelm me when I think about how everyday of our lives we are constantly just chasing one thing after another. You finish school, you graduate, you get a job, you work and work and work, maybe switch between jobs a couple of times, and then you work some more until you retire and then…that's it.
For those of you who don't know, I put in a lot of effort into making sure I do well in uni, so much so that I've had countless of sleepless nights with my mind being so awake in writing and arranging my essays while my body is desperately trying its best to rest. There are times when this pays off and my grades reflect these efforts, but there are also times when they do not. I'll cry it out for a bit and then remind myself that a bad grade is not the end of the world, which then motivates me to do better in my other assignments for that unit.
Fun fact: my grades during my time at University of Leeds earlier this year did not contribute to my GPA.
All I had to do was pass/fail those units, and they will appear as "Satisfactory/Non-Satisfactory" on my academic record in Monash. This explains why most students on exchange are relatively relaxed and unbothered with uni. But even then, I couldn't let myself half-heartedly complete my assignments.
My dad said that it's good that this pursuit of excellence has been embedded into my character. But I argue that it's probably a fruit of good parenting more so than an innate personality trait, of which I cannot take credit for because my parents really have been amazing at supporting me in whatever I do. It might also just be because I'm Asian and I need to bring honour to my family (cue Mulan's Honor to Us All).
As of now, I haven't properly started my process in looking for a job yet, but already I am experiencing the struggle and the challenges that come with.
My human mind tells me to look for jobs that can sustain and provide physiological needs and financial security (hello Maslow's hierarchy of needs) without compromising my passions and interests to "love what you do, do what you love" and "you'll never work a day in life".
But there's also the need to set my eyes on things above and not the things of this world.
So when I look at eternity, all these things seem so trivial and unimportant in the long run, while simultaneously I am also reminded to be a good steward of the things that God has entrusted me with, which perpetuates a never-ending cycle of 'don't look at material things' but also 'be good at managing material things'.
It's at times like these when I sigh out loud for Jesus to take me home — not because I have suicidal tendencies and that I don't want to live anymore but because I am high key tired of the struggles that come with being human and I honestly just want to go home and be with Jesus forever.
But something happened late September.
It was the start of the mid semester break (that was ridiculously scheduled after week 9 of our 12-week semester). I talked to God for a bit after submitting my assignment due that Friday, right before my friends picked me up for a spring retreat organised by the church I've been attending here in Melbourne.
I told God that I really needed the break, and for that I was thankful that the break finally arrived. Somehow, I also knew that there was something that He wanted to tell me, but at that moment, I just didn't know when or what.
"Okay," I said, "I'm listening."
It was a good retreat. Albeit very different from the normal retreats and camps that I've been accustomed to, it was good in its own ways and I really enjoyed my time there.
The guest speaker of the retreat was also invited to share during the Sunday service back at church. He preached from two verses in Philippians, which was coincidentally the same book OCF has been doing for Bible study this semester as well,
"Do all things without grumbling or disputing, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain." — Philippians 2:14-16 (ESV)
"When Paul wrote all, he meant all," the preacher emphasised.
"We grumble when we forget to remember. We grumble when we forget to remember the story is larger. We grumble when we think we need more. We grumble when we feel that God has shorted us. We grumble when we judge the future by the present. We grumble when we forget that life is a marathon and not a sprint."
I smiled to myself as I wrote all this down, while also mentally writing a metaphorical noted-with-thanks email to God.
It's easy to be grateful when you look at what you have in light of what others lack, but it's also as easy to grumble when you look at what you lack in light of what others have.
John Piper once said, "When we have little and have lost much, Christ comes and reveals himself as more valuable than what we have lost. And when we have much and are overflowing in abundance, Christ comes and he shows that he is far superior to everything we have."
This is probably why Paul writes in Philippians 4:4 and even throughout his letter to "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice," where true joy is a command that is not dependent on circumstances but instead on the sovereignty and the sweetness of Christ.
Do all things without grumbling, and all means all.
All includes putting in my best efforts into my assignments and instead of being upset at how unreasonably strict my marker was in grading my essays, I am grateful to even have the opportunity to further my education and learn so much about the world around me. I am also sure that none of my future employers will consider the credit I received for one of my essays an alarming factor in hiring me.
All includes packing up, flying off and starting two semesters back to back halfway around the world and instead of being tied down to feelings of missing home and the fear of missing out, I am grateful that I was able to experience new and exciting things, while also meeting and reuniting with old friends who have spent way longer than I have in these places.
All includes the stress, anxiety, panic attacks and depressive episodes that have come and gone and instead of beating myself up for feeling like this yet again, I am grateful that I am able to pick myself back up with the help of people who text and call me whenever needed.
All includes looking at the possible career choices I have set out in front of me and instead of being overwhelmed in not knowing what to do and feeling like I have no clear direction in life, I am grateful that I even have so many choices to begin with.
All includes the pain, suffering and hardships of this life and instead of complaining, arguing and being anxious about things that I cannot control, I let my requests be made known to Him by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, and rest in the finished work on the cross in knowing that my life and my joy is in the hands of my God, who is all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-present.
All includes whatever this life may bring and counting all as loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ, that through mountain highs or valley lows, living in plenty or in need, by life or by death, Christ be exalted through me.
All means all.
All includes packing up, flying off and starting two semesters back to back halfway around the world and instead of being tied down to feelings of missing home and the fear of missing out, I am grateful that I was able to experience new and exciting things, while also meeting and reuniting with old friends who have spent way longer than I have in these places.
All includes the stress, anxiety, panic attacks and depressive episodes that have come and gone and instead of beating myself up for feeling like this yet again, I am grateful that I am able to pick myself back up with the help of people who text and call me whenever needed.
All includes looking at the possible career choices I have set out in front of me and instead of being overwhelmed in not knowing what to do and feeling like I have no clear direction in life, I am grateful that I even have so many choices to begin with.
All includes the pain, suffering and hardships of this life and instead of complaining, arguing and being anxious about things that I cannot control, I let my requests be made known to Him by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, and rest in the finished work on the cross in knowing that my life and my joy is in the hands of my God, who is all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-present.
All includes whatever this life may bring and counting all as loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ, that through mountain highs or valley lows, living in plenty or in need, by life or by death, Christ be exalted through me.
All means all.
So, what am I going to do after I graduate?
Honestly, I have started giving some thought to it so my standard answer will differ from before with a slightly more concrete idea of what I may want to try out as I begin manoeuvring into adulthood. But for the most part, I still don't really know what it is exactly that I want to do for the rest of my life, and I am at peace with that.
15-year-old me never imagined, never ever thought about how she would be spending her entire final year of uni away from home, and yet here I am, having lived and studied in two different continents in the past year no less. So why do I put so much pressure in expecting my 22-year-old self to determine exactly what I'll be doing even in my 30's? (Wow, in thought, that sounded like it was way further in the future than what it actually is in writing, and that freaks me out quite a bit).
Even as I properly begin this process soon, I pray that I will be able to set my eyes on things above that have eternal value without losing sight of being a good steward of the gifts, talents and opportunities that God has given and will give to me.
By trusting in Him who has far greater plans for me than I can ever imagine, with the knowledge that He will sustain and see me through the good work He has started, the time will come when everything will fall into place eventually and I will be able to find something that I can see myself doing in the long run. And even if the time never comes, may I learn to find joy and be at peace with it.
See, I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future and that is more than enough for me.
