(Psst, it's not that kind of love.)
Cancer.
No one really wants to hear that word ever being mentioned from your doctor.
Yeye, my grandpa aka my dad's dad, was recently diagnosed with right thigh sarcoma. A sarcoma is a type of cancer that develops from certain kinds of tissue like bone or muscle. He went for a surgery to remove the tumor back in September 2014. Since then, he's been taking his medicine and going for his doctor's appointments. So, we're always updated with the status of the cancer and how he's doing.
Below is an unpublished post written a few months back.
Thursday, 10 December 2015
This week, the report from his last CT scan was released. Mama was there at Gopeng to visit my grandparents, so she sent us a photo of the report. I was still at worship practice for camp at that time so I didn't manage to see the photo.
As usual, every time I get home, I'll go into my parents' room to let them know I'm back. But this time it was different.
Papa muted the TV. I sat on the bed. He held my hand.
"It's stage 4 already."
I gripped his hand a little tighter. He showed me the photo of the report and it showed:
"Known right thigh sarcoma with worsening lung and pleural metastasis - in disease progression."
(In English: the cancer has spread into his lungs and simply put, he doesn't have a lot of time left.)
He looked up at the ceiling as he spoke, glancing back at me between sentences. All I could do was hold his hand. I didn't know what to say.
He looked up at the ceiling as he spoke, glancing back at me between sentences. All I could do was hold his hand. I didn't know what to say.
Yeye's coming back here in a month's time for the doctor's prognosis. A cancer prognosis describes how serious the cancer is and the chances of survival. In other words, we'll know how long he has left before it's time.
There's the choice of going for chemotherapy but Yeye says he doesn't want to. There's the other choice of going on medicine but it costs a slightly large amount of money every month. Whatever the option, it's going to give him only just that bit more time.
**
3 months ago, I wrote that post.
The prognosis? In November, the doctor said that he has 6 months.
It has now been 4 months since then.
Yeye's condition hasn't been getting any better.
He stuck with his decision to not go for chemotherapy. He is still on medicine but he hasn't been taking them properly because he feels like "it's not worth it" and "it's a waste of money". There is now fluid in his lungs that needs to be drained out regularly at the hospital. He finds it hard to breathe and can barely speak proper sentences. The tumor has now grown from his right thigh up to his groin. His entire right side of his body is in immense pain. He's losing his eyesight day by day. He can't sleep well at night because of the difficulty to breathe. There was blood in the fluid that they drained out last week. The doctor said that it's spreading real quick.
Needless to say, I've been crying.
In that first week alone in December when we found out, I cried so many times.
The first time I cried was when I called Marcus to tell him. The second time, when I was on the way to breakfast the next morning. The third time was when I was watching Modern Family. The fourth time, when I was driving home after dropping Nick off at church. The fifth time, when I was at home, on my laptop.
But from the fourth, fifth, sixth and all the times after that, it wasn't just because I was upset.
It was because there was this one song that kept playing in my head.
"Oh, I've seen many searching for answers far and wide but I know that we're all searching for answers only You provide // You are perfect in all of Your ways to us // Love so undeniable, I can hardly speak. Peace so unexplainable, I can hardly think."
I completely lost it.
I turned on Spotify in my car that morning and had it shuffle play my saved songs. Good, Good Father came up. Every single one of those words hit me so hard that I had tears running down my face the entire drive home from church. And the tears didn't stop even after I got back to my room.
This wasn't the first time I was hearing this song. And like I mentioned, I didn't select it on purpose even though I could have because I have premium benefits. But as I sat in the driver's seat, despite it being the umpteenth time I've heard this song, those lyrics were exactly what I needed to hear. Man, it messed me up.
This isn't the only song that has messed me up since.
Last weekend, we were on the way to Gopeng to visit Yeye.
I was looking out at what seemed like roads with no ends, having lots of thoughts running through my mind.
I kept thinking about how unprepared I was to lose him. I kept thinking about the reason he had to go through all this pain. I kept thinking about how he told us over Chinese New Year that he didn't want to believe in God anymore.
Next thing I knew, You Never Fail by Hillsongs came on.
"I look to love that's unfailing, I look to grace that is all I need // There's no stronghold You can't break, no life that You can't save, our God You never fail // My hope it lies in Your promise, my faith it stands on the empty grave // Strong through every trial, faithful through the night // Anchor through the flood, You keep holding on."
My heart was filled with this feeling I cannot even begin to describe. The tears were about to fall but I held it in because I didn't want to wake everyone else up (we started our journey at 6.30am so sleep is a must). The rest of the songs from the album continued to play but the words from this song kept replaying in my head.
Want to know something amazing?
When we got back to Gopeng, we realised that they've removed their idols and the altar in the house. Having sensitive noses run in our family, we'll start to sniffle when we're being exposed too long to smoke, dust and all that jazz. But it took us awhile before we came to realise that there was no more smell of burning joss sticks.
Thinking back on the lyrics of that song, looking at the empty space that once had an altar and it's many idols, all I could do was thank God for who He is and what He is doing in my grandparents' lives. Yeye is still unsure of where his faith really stands, but having them remove the idols and the altar is a small but definitely significant step in their lives.
That's still not all.
These past few weeks have been nothing less than crazy. Between assessments, assignments, family, friends and ministry (and the list goes on and on...), I had so many questions in my head. With all of this happening, it overwhelmed me with fear and doubt. I had a real struggle of feeling loved. Not the typical, romantic, "aww he got me flowers" kind of, instagram-worthy kind of love, but just Love.
I didn't feel Love at all.
Over the weekend, the worship leaders small group had to hand in our song interpretation. The song assigned to us was How He Loves by David Crowder, originally by John Mark McMillan. John wrote this song following the death of his best friend which was on the night where his best friend prayed saying, "I'd give my life today if it would shake the youth of this nation."
"When all of a sudden I was unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, and I just realise how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me // We are His portion and He is our prize // I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us."
Crazy. So crazy.
The lyrics were getting to places in my head and heart where it needed to the most. As I kept this song on replay, all these things that have blurred my vision of His love slowly faded away. Studies, family, friends - at that moment, all of that didn't matter as much as I needed to know about His love for me.
Now, I am so overwhelmed by Love.
You might be thinking, "So...are all your problems fixed now?"
Of course not.
I'm not saying that with God, Yeye's cancer is going to go away (though we pray with all our hearts), that all my assignments will somehow be easier for me to do and that all of my insecurities will go away just like that.
I'm not saying that with God, all my problems are fixed and should be fixed.
The reason I'm pouring my heart and soul into writing all this down is to remind myself and hopefully remind you that God does work in our lives. Sometimes, He works when we least expect Him to. Of course, there will be times that He works when we expect Him to. God works as He pleases. God works in ways that often we will never completely understand.
God works.
I think what has impacted me the most throughout these months is the fact that as much as God is singlehandedly managing the entire universe and the lives of billions of other people, He is at work in my life, too. Despite how small and unimportant I deem myself to be at times, He still sees me and knows me by name. He wants me to know Him and He wants to speak into my life.
The reason? It's simple.
God loves me.
If we listen hard enough, God is saying it to us all the time. Be it through scripture, through songs, through people - God wants you to know that He loves you, whether you know it already or not.
As the days pass, I am still praying for Yeye to be able to experience Love in it's fullness and that he'll have fruitful days ahead as we continue to spend time with him.
But it's not just about fixing the cancer anymore, it's about him being able to experience God's love even in such circumstances. It's not just about taking away the pain anymore, it's about him having that unexplainable peace and joy that only God can give at times like these. It's not just about him being healthy and happy again, it's about getting to know and love Christ with whatever he has left within him.
Love in the midst of pain.
God in the midst of cancer.
It's hard to picture it but I'll let you in on a little secret: when I started to let go of what I once held onto so tightly in my hands; when I opened my eyes and ears to see and hear what God is saying to me, I started to experience in my heart the hope, faith, grace and love He has for me amidst the trials, suffering, sorrow and pain around me.
This is what Love is to me. What about you?
