"Holidays start on the first."
"So early?"
"Isn't that a good thing?!"
"I don't know anymore...we turn form 5."
Come to think of it, the fact that it's going to be 2014 in 2 months scares me. A lot. But I'm just going to take a look back at the year before it disappears right in front of my eyes.
The first few months of the year was pretty stressful. It felt like a whole new different world from being Form 3 last year. Which is funny because everyone says how it's the 'honeymoon year' and 'it's just Form 4'. But even now, I still can't cope with everything. Studies, club activities and all. Who ever started this honeymoon year thing must have been from another world. But I'm glad I have the right people to carry me through.
April was one hell of a month. Through the ups and downs of the month, the most I remember about it was me being in that phase. Having random breakdowns, be it in the middle of the day or right before bed. It was hard having to explain why I was hurting to the people who loved and cared so much for me. I didn't even know I was doing what I was doing until my sister brought it up. Funny, it felt like she could see right through me even when I couldn't understand myself.
Most of the time I was on the verge of giving up everything. But I remembered what she asked me to repeat to myself every morning, "I am good enough. I am smart. God loves me. I love me." Let's just say, it took me a few weeks to get to the last line without breaking into tears. Then I realised that I couldn't do it on my own, despite the much appreciated help from my sister and my girls, I had to rely on One thing and One thing only. It's not easy to just let go of everything and depend solely on God, but I'm very glad I managed to get through the terrible, terrible phase.
Having mid terms during May was just down right horrible. I was very emotionally disturbed during the mid terms. Which is part of the reason why I think I did so badly, besides the point of which I am a dumb person in a super smart class and I've come to the conclusion where I am just not Science class material. And I guess I've sort of accepted the fact. I guess. I don't know, really. I'm still confused. I'm sorry.
Other than all the sad stuff, I had the privilege to serve during celebration. I remember it was the GE13 going on and the adults had to go vote and stuff so the youth had to take over. It was pretty scary. But it turned out fine and I had a great time serving with the NextGen team. I guess that was sort of the mark where I started serving for the team more often. I think the people are getting bored of seeing my face on stage to be honest hehe but oh well.
June was a very very busy month! There were plenty of events, Unbroken 2013, Subang Rally, Cheer 2013 and so much more. But the one that meant the most to me has to be Unbroken 2013. Co-emceeing with Josh and singing back up for Lu-Zhong was very fun. I was pretty nervous for emceeing because I've only done it once before. I honestly thought I was going to die, or at least trip and fall on my face when I went on stage but it went so much better than expected and I'm glad I had a bunch of amazing people supporting me. I reunited with so many of my old friends and met so many new ones! It was really just an amazing experience and let's just say I'm very glad I was part of the event. "Blessed to be a blessing," as I quote my instagram post. July was reaaaally empty like it was boring so I'm sorry goodbye July.
I think August was one of the better months. I got to be Indian for a day and hold the Jalur Gemilang for the launching of our Merdeka celebration for school which obviously was really fun and not to mention painful. Having to walk and stand in a pair of foreign heels while wrapped in so much fabric, carrying a flag and having to look pretty all at the same time is not an easy job. Oh and I started doing covers hehe but I haven't really showed anybody except for the few people (you're special guys appreciate it!!). I might continue doing more if I feel like it but I don't know yet hehe.
The two weeks break halfway through the month was good. I managed to catch up with some people and also I finally got to spend some time by myself. I'm not saying that I don't like my friends, please don't take it the wrong way, I honestly love them to bits and pieces. But sometimes you have to forget the world, spend time alone to find out things about yourself, or even about other people. Be it singing and strumming random chords on the guitar, writing, laying in bed looking at the ceiling, watching TV and spending half my days on YouTube, I enjoyed time with myself. Two weeks was more than enough for me.
I've always looked forward to September (hehe) but this year was a bit different. We had finals starting on the first week and lasted for a month. I got used to the reaction on people's faces when I tell them I've already ended my finals on the 30th. Personally I think I did much better than I did last term, but results have been coming back and they tell me otherwise. That of which I'm pretty upset about because it just feels like I'm never going to be good enough for my own standard let alone the school's standard. But I'm learning how to cope with the fact that I just have to study a lot harder than before. And, yeah. Well, yeah.
It was a great month nonetheless. I remember picking a random Saturday and sending most of the contacts on my Whatsapp a good morning message. My phone was buzzing like crazy from all the replies. Some people were pleasantly surprised, some were asking me about my real intentions for randomly sending that message, some people sent me much love back, some didn't reply me until afternoon and I remember clearly Fook Jian didn't even reply me until 2 days later. Anyway, I was glad I could make at least one person's day, let alone so many people. I liked it. I liked making people happy. Seeing people happy made me happy.
And who can forget, spending a day dressing up, getting ready for a fancy dinner with the best people in the world, taking so many pictures and videos for the night, falling asleep talking about nothing in general, going to school looking as tired as ever.
Did I mention they had a surprise birthday lunch for me the other week? Silly me. I thought it was just supposed to be me and my girls, but surprise surprise I went to Giza and poof, a table filled with other great people. I mean, I almost went in a shirt and shorts, imagine that. I should have guessed because when I told Marcus I was going out for lunch with the girls, he was all "have fun" and a winking emoji but no I was naive and kinda dumb (okay not kinda but more like just dumb).
The attention we got from passers by, holding a bunch of pink and white balloons walking around the mall, sucking helium out of them, having a lot of other people telling me they were supposed to be there but couldn't make it - it reminded me how blessed I am to have so many friends. People that I can count on. I might not be as close to every single one of them, but it's undeniable that they've played a part in my life, whether or not big or small, it doesn't really matter, things just wouldn't be the same without them.
It's almost halfway through October. Like always, a lot has already happened. The NextGen leaders got commissioned. Buying the cards and the silver marker pen (which was really expensive by the way), Talitha teaching us how to get discounts for stuff, drawing the boards, figuring out what the balloons actually were, deciding where we were going to seat to make sure they can see us from the stage and all that preparation was a bit hectic to say the least. But seeing the looks on their faces when they turned around to see us screaming, waving the cards and the balloons, it was priceless. And also embarrassing to have almost the whole congregation look up the gallery at the bunch of crazy kids (I'm sorry everybody) but it was worth it, the good kind of embarrassing as Mark said.
Through out these 10 months, I've learned a lot about myself. I've also learned a lot about people and how can't please everybody. How you need to surround yourself with good people. How true friends will stay despite whatever. I've lost not one, but two friends whom I used to hold close to heart but I've also made so many new friends who have been nothing less than blessings. How you need to stand for something, or else you'll fall for everything. I've learned how to be strong for others even when you can't be strong for yourself, because sometimes we all just need somebody to lean on. How to stop holding on to what hurts and make room for what feels good. I've finally grasped the fact that overthinking kills your happiness. That sometimes we need to pause life, take a moment and just breathe. I learned that if you work really hard and trust Him with all your heart, amazing things will happen.
