Exactly a week go, I turned 20 and I think I can safely say that growing up is tough.
The more I step out into the world, the more I'm made aware of, the more I wish I knew beforehand.
Well, some of which I knew, in a sense.
I just didn't believe in it enough to have it shape my reality. I did also have people reminding me of these truths. But I guess some things you can only read and hear so much about but will never have them completely sink in until you've experienced it yourself.
Though I am quite content with who I am and where I am today, these are just raw and honest thoughts and stories on things I wish I knew earlier that might help you in one way or another, wherever you are in your life today. More importantly, this serves as a reminder to myself about the things that I have learnt when I read this again 10 years down the road later on.
Without further ado, here are 10 things I wish I knew before turning 20.
1. Family is important.The more I step out into the world, the more I'm made aware of, the more I wish I knew beforehand.
Well, some of which I knew, in a sense.
I just didn't believe in it enough to have it shape my reality. I did also have people reminding me of these truths. But I guess some things you can only read and hear so much about but will never have them completely sink in until you've experienced it yourself.
Though I am quite content with who I am and where I am today, these are just raw and honest thoughts and stories on things I wish I knew earlier that might help you in one way or another, wherever you are in your life today. More importantly, this serves as a reminder to myself about the things that I have learnt when I read this again 10 years down the road later on.
Without further ado, here are 10 things I wish I knew before turning 20.
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| My grandma cooking. |
Last year, I lost my Yeye (father's father) to stage four sarcoma cancer. Just a couple of weeks ago, we celebrated my Gong Gong's (mother's father) 80th birthday. It seems odd to mention these two things together, but more often than not, these are the only occasions that bring families together.
There have one been too many times when I have missed the trips that we make back to Gopeng to see our grandparents. I was either being too caught up with assignments or I had to serve that weekend for celebration. Whatever it is, my parents always come back from Gopeng telling me how our grandparents have always asked them why us children weren't there with them. This breaks my heart. Even within my immediate family, we find ourselves often being incredibly busy from all the work that each of us have respectively.
I am, however, thankful that the four of us (since Jie is still away) still take our dinners together and have hour-long conversations on the dinner table about our days and that our extended family still makes time for each other every now and then.
At the end of the day, family is going to be the one thing that keeps you at bay, despite the many arguments and fallouts that you may have with each other along the way.
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| SAM awards ceremony. |
As a child, I was never an A+ student. All the smart genes were either taken up by Lu, my older sister, or they suddenly appeared again when Jie, my younger brother, came around. I wasn't a failing student, though. I was just average enough to get me by.
Every now and then, or almost always, I find myself comparing my achievements with my peers. And because I valued my worth so heavily on those achievements, not being able to do as well as others was incredibly discouraging.
It finally dawned upon me when I was studying for SPM trials.
I learnt that everyone absorbs differently at their own pace. Just because I wasn't able to achieve the same results despite having my friends and I doing the same things the same way, it doesn't mean that I am dumb or that I am less than them. I then took upon the challenge to find out what works best for me within those couple of weeks and I managed to slowly climb my way up to above average.
I finished SPM with mostly A's and a number of B's, which is comparatively beyond my average reach. Since then, I graduated South Australian Matriculation (SAM) being top 10% of the overall achievers and for my first year first semester of a Bachelor of Arts and Social Science degree, I managed with high distinctions.
This is not to say that I am now officially an A+ student, or that I am taking this opportunity to boast about my results, but being able to identify how I learn best has enabled me to not only enjoy the process of studying but also to excel in learning more about things that I do actually have interests in because I was given that choice. So, it really isn't the end of the world if you failed your one Add Math paper.
3. Take care of your health.
As you would know, there have been a couple of incidences where I have ended up either unconscious on my kitchen floor or barely conscious on the hospital bed. Learning the hard way, it's often not because of something that happens overnight, but the result of a bad habit that gradually brings our bodies to its threshold.
For me, they are my bad habits of skipping breakfast and not getting enough sleep. Not that this has physically limited me from doing what I need to do on a daily basis, but the effects of having bad gastric or extreme tiredness have come at times when it has caused many inconveniences.
I try as best as I can to at least get into bed early. Not sure why I used to think that sleeping late was the it thing to do. Sleep is cool, kids. And every time the boys and I are on L4D2, I remind them to drink water when I myself drink a cup of water. I also now look forward to making my own breakfasts which include avocados, cherry tomatoes and scrambled eggs on toast.
Every now and then, or almost always, I find myself comparing my achievements with my peers. And because I valued my worth so heavily on those achievements, not being able to do as well as others was incredibly discouraging.
It finally dawned upon me when I was studying for SPM trials.
I learnt that everyone absorbs differently at their own pace. Just because I wasn't able to achieve the same results despite having my friends and I doing the same things the same way, it doesn't mean that I am dumb or that I am less than them. I then took upon the challenge to find out what works best for me within those couple of weeks and I managed to slowly climb my way up to above average.
I finished SPM with mostly A's and a number of B's, which is comparatively beyond my average reach. Since then, I graduated South Australian Matriculation (SAM) being top 10% of the overall achievers and for my first year first semester of a Bachelor of Arts and Social Science degree, I managed with high distinctions.
This is not to say that I am now officially an A+ student, or that I am taking this opportunity to boast about my results, but being able to identify how I learn best has enabled me to not only enjoy the process of studying but also to excel in learning more about things that I do actually have interests in because I was given that choice. So, it really isn't the end of the world if you failed your one Add Math paper.
3. Take care of your health.
As you would know, there have been a couple of incidences where I have ended up either unconscious on my kitchen floor or barely conscious on the hospital bed. Learning the hard way, it's often not because of something that happens overnight, but the result of a bad habit that gradually brings our bodies to its threshold.
For me, they are my bad habits of skipping breakfast and not getting enough sleep. Not that this has physically limited me from doing what I need to do on a daily basis, but the effects of having bad gastric or extreme tiredness have come at times when it has caused many inconveniences.
I try as best as I can to at least get into bed early. Not sure why I used to think that sleeping late was the it thing to do. Sleep is cool, kids. And every time the boys and I are on L4D2, I remind them to drink water when I myself drink a cup of water. I also now look forward to making my own breakfasts which include avocados, cherry tomatoes and scrambled eggs on toast.
4. People come and people go.
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| Like shadows. |
Not everyone will remain in your life.
Let me take a moment to catch my breath because I am starting to tear, rereading that line over and over again as I sit in front of my laptop at my desk. This is one of, or if not possibly the hardest things that I have ever written and will ever write about.
I get very emotionally invested in the people that I have acquainted myself with and eventually grow to learn and love more as conversations happen. Inside jokes are made, Instagram posts and Twitter jokes are shared, friendships grow and deepen. Things then start to change. It doesn't happen overnight, well, it did once, for me, but sooner or later the other person loses their interest in the friendship. And then, they leave. Sometimes with reason, sometimes without.
This is something that I have dealt with so many times, so much so that there was a point in my life when I would meet someone new and already I am emotionally and mentally preparing myself for them to leave even before getting to know their last name.
I have been hurt by a considerate amount of people who have promised to stick by me, or who have promised to be there for me when the times get tough, or who have said that the friendship that we had meant the world to them. These people are, however, nowhere near to be found.
It may sound like I'm in a lot of pain and that these incidents still hurt me, and I guess they still do a little bit, but I have forgiven them. The healing process? It'll take time. But I learnt that the ones who will stay, will stay and the ones who don't, don't. I learnt that playing the blame game and talking bad about them will only continue to hurt myself at the end of the day. I learnt that blaming yourself for what happened is not healthy as well, that you're too much or that you're not enough. What happens, happens.
Some people say that there is a purpose for every person in your life and that once they've served their purpose, they will leave. I believe that even within that period of time, short or long, of serving that purpose, the impact that you will leave on each other's lives will be greater than you will ever imagine. And now, knowing this, my only priority in every relationship that I still have and will have is to continuously show the love of Christ to these people because you never know when they will click the exit button.
5. Yes, boys are cute, but never make them a priority.
Let me take a moment to catch my breath because I am starting to tear, rereading that line over and over again as I sit in front of my laptop at my desk. This is one of, or if not possibly the hardest things that I have ever written and will ever write about.
I get very emotionally invested in the people that I have acquainted myself with and eventually grow to learn and love more as conversations happen. Inside jokes are made, Instagram posts and Twitter jokes are shared, friendships grow and deepen. Things then start to change. It doesn't happen overnight, well, it did once, for me, but sooner or later the other person loses their interest in the friendship. And then, they leave. Sometimes with reason, sometimes without.
This is something that I have dealt with so many times, so much so that there was a point in my life when I would meet someone new and already I am emotionally and mentally preparing myself for them to leave even before getting to know their last name.
I have been hurt by a considerate amount of people who have promised to stick by me, or who have promised to be there for me when the times get tough, or who have said that the friendship that we had meant the world to them. These people are, however, nowhere near to be found.
It may sound like I'm in a lot of pain and that these incidents still hurt me, and I guess they still do a little bit, but I have forgiven them. The healing process? It'll take time. But I learnt that the ones who will stay, will stay and the ones who don't, don't. I learnt that playing the blame game and talking bad about them will only continue to hurt myself at the end of the day. I learnt that blaming yourself for what happened is not healthy as well, that you're too much or that you're not enough. What happens, happens.
Some people say that there is a purpose for every person in your life and that once they've served their purpose, they will leave. I believe that even within that period of time, short or long, of serving that purpose, the impact that you will leave on each other's lives will be greater than you will ever imagine. And now, knowing this, my only priority in every relationship that I still have and will have is to continuously show the love of Christ to these people because you never know when they will click the exit button.
5. Yes, boys are cute, but never make them a priority.
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| The only boys that you should get are good boys. Doggos are good boys. |
Onto a lighter note! Not that I ever placed the want of getting into a relationship at the top of my to-do list growing up, but I remember spending an inane amount of time wondering whether or not a boy liked me with the way that he messaged me on Facebook or with the way that he looked at me during class. I explicitly remember things like when a boy bought me ice lemon tea and how I cried when Mama threw away the empty Lipton bottle I brought home. I also remember things like when a boy promised to buy me a puppy when he had saved enough money.
I laugh so hard now at how naive I was to place them on such a high pedestal just because they were good-looking, or that they were nicer than others, or that they were funnier than others, or because we had actual chemistry with one another. But I also pride myself in the way that I declined the advancements of many of these "things" that I had with these boys because, even as a teen, I knew my stand on relationships, I knew my parents' stand as well and most importantly, I knew God's stand on many of these boys.
I say continue meeting people, building friendships, spending time within a group and maybe eventually you will find a relationship worth asking God for.
Or just forget boys. Get yourself a man. (Like a guitarman, but that one's mine).
6. Learn when to say no.
For a person who's always open for new experiences, I still find it a challenge to say "no" to certain things, such as taking up additional roles or projects in church. In the course of my time being Vice President of a club in high school and also leading a cell group and leading worship for NextGen, serving on stage for Resonate, also not forgetting my relationships with family, friends and Marcus, I was constantly reaching out for time and space for myself. Whenever I had time off assignments and uni work, those few hours are either dedicated to running errands for a project for church or it was for meetings with my leadership core team.
It's not that I didn't enjoy these experiences or that they were counterproductive, I just found myself more often than not merely going through the motions of treating these things as tasks to tick off on a day-to-day basis. I eventually became so task/service-oriented that when I had nothing to do, I felt a bit empty. The feeling is hard to explain but it was as if when I am not working on an assignment, I felt like I wasn't being a good student. Or when I am not leading Word for CG that weekend, I felt like I wasn't being a good leader.
It will take some time but, I'm slowly learning how to say "no" — "no" to these feelings of fruitlessness and "no" to the things that might throw my balance off what I already have on my plate. This is also a reminder to myself to say that spending time alone is not lame or sad or lonely.
7. Learn when to say yes.
It sounds like I'm contradicting myself when I say this after the point before this, but it's true. I don't know about you, but the experiences that I grow and learn the most from are the ones that make me the most uncomfortable.
Time and time again, I have found myself in situations that have demanded more of me in areas of leadership, in areas of courage and even in areas of talent.
Stepping up as a leader is something that I prayed about and talked to so many people about because I felt inadequate of my capabilities, but has caused me to be so dependant and aware of His strength that has enabled me to do so and that I am not doing this on my own.
Speaking up during casual discussions knowing that my opinion was considered the unpopular and unfavored one is something that has led me to pray for courage and boldness in defending my faith.
Leading my own song for our weekend celebration is something that, a few years ago, I never imagine myself doing in a million years, but this journey has brought me to such a level of intimacy in my own relationship with God and it stirs my heart to hear how it has encouraged the congregation as well.
If I hadn't said "yes" to these things that have demanded more from me, without compromising values and truths that I hold onto, I wouldn't be anywhere near where I am today.
8. Words are powerful.
There are many times when I have wished to take back something that I've said. There are also many times when I have wished to say something I held back.
One time, my History teacher back in high school told me that I was a useless student because my results were not as good as the other teacher's children. I have forgiven her completely, but I will always remember how much it hurt back then to say such a thing to a growing child. Another time, my club teacher told the committee that was led by my friends and I that there has never been such a team so cooperative and hardworking out of all these years. These are the words I hold so close to my heart.
To remember that every word you say has the power to change someone's day and possibly someone's life is something that I have learnt not to take for granted. This is why I take every opportunity to send a heart-eye emoji to someone who posts a cute selfie on their story. This is why I hold back and evaluate my emotions and the situation itself before letting out anything unnecessary. Every word counts, whether you know it or not.
9. Write more.
I laugh so hard now at how naive I was to place them on such a high pedestal just because they were good-looking, or that they were nicer than others, or that they were funnier than others, or because we had actual chemistry with one another. But I also pride myself in the way that I declined the advancements of many of these "things" that I had with these boys because, even as a teen, I knew my stand on relationships, I knew my parents' stand as well and most importantly, I knew God's stand on many of these boys.
I say continue meeting people, building friendships, spending time within a group and maybe eventually you will find a relationship worth asking God for.
Or just forget boys. Get yourself a man. (Like a guitarman, but that one's mine).
6. Learn when to say no.
For a person who's always open for new experiences, I still find it a challenge to say "no" to certain things, such as taking up additional roles or projects in church. In the course of my time being Vice President of a club in high school and also leading a cell group and leading worship for NextGen, serving on stage for Resonate, also not forgetting my relationships with family, friends and Marcus, I was constantly reaching out for time and space for myself. Whenever I had time off assignments and uni work, those few hours are either dedicated to running errands for a project for church or it was for meetings with my leadership core team.
It's not that I didn't enjoy these experiences or that they were counterproductive, I just found myself more often than not merely going through the motions of treating these things as tasks to tick off on a day-to-day basis. I eventually became so task/service-oriented that when I had nothing to do, I felt a bit empty. The feeling is hard to explain but it was as if when I am not working on an assignment, I felt like I wasn't being a good student. Or when I am not leading Word for CG that weekend, I felt like I wasn't being a good leader.
It will take some time but, I'm slowly learning how to say "no" — "no" to these feelings of fruitlessness and "no" to the things that might throw my balance off what I already have on my plate. This is also a reminder to myself to say that spending time alone is not lame or sad or lonely.
7. Learn when to say yes.
It sounds like I'm contradicting myself when I say this after the point before this, but it's true. I don't know about you, but the experiences that I grow and learn the most from are the ones that make me the most uncomfortable.
Time and time again, I have found myself in situations that have demanded more of me in areas of leadership, in areas of courage and even in areas of talent.
Stepping up as a leader is something that I prayed about and talked to so many people about because I felt inadequate of my capabilities, but has caused me to be so dependant and aware of His strength that has enabled me to do so and that I am not doing this on my own.
Speaking up during casual discussions knowing that my opinion was considered the unpopular and unfavored one is something that has led me to pray for courage and boldness in defending my faith.
Leading my own song for our weekend celebration is something that, a few years ago, I never imagine myself doing in a million years, but this journey has brought me to such a level of intimacy in my own relationship with God and it stirs my heart to hear how it has encouraged the congregation as well.
If I hadn't said "yes" to these things that have demanded more from me, without compromising values and truths that I hold onto, I wouldn't be anywhere near where I am today.
8. Words are powerful.
There are many times when I have wished to take back something that I've said. There are also many times when I have wished to say something I held back.
One time, my History teacher back in high school told me that I was a useless student because my results were not as good as the other teacher's children. I have forgiven her completely, but I will always remember how much it hurt back then to say such a thing to a growing child. Another time, my club teacher told the committee that was led by my friends and I that there has never been such a team so cooperative and hardworking out of all these years. These are the words I hold so close to my heart.
To remember that every word you say has the power to change someone's day and possibly someone's life is something that I have learnt not to take for granted. This is why I take every opportunity to send a heart-eye emoji to someone who posts a cute selfie on their story. This is why I hold back and evaluate my emotions and the situation itself before letting out anything unnecessary. Every word counts, whether you know it or not.
9. Write more.
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| On the flight to Portugal. |
Whenever I look back at my old blog posts (sure, take this time to scroll through my archives), I see the imaginary growth chart of my writing and my thought processes. It used to be so much harder for me to find words to accurately describe my feelings and boy, were my thoughts and feelings all over the place. They still are, I just articulate them better now.
For the last of my high school years, I used to write down every single thing that happened throughout the day in exhaustive detail in my journals. I can even tell you what we had to eat for dinner when I joined Marcus' family for dinner for the first time that night (it was at their house and we had mango kerabu). I can also tell you that Mama came into my class for a relief period in February which was amusing to me.
I feel that with the stories feature on Snapchat and Instagram (and even Whatsapp, though I will never understand), the documentations and recordings of these little moments disappear after 24 hours and you are left with nothing from what could have been something to look back on 5 years down the road, something physical at least.
This is more for me, but I encourage you to start small by writing one thing a day on a oneliner that someone blurted out during a funny conversation, or how the McDonald's ice cream machine broke down again, (so you can file up evidence to sue them for the failure of the pursuit of our happiness) or how good you felt when someone complimented you on what you wore. Journalling does wonders.
10. God first.
Ironic how this is the last thing that I put on the list. But it's because I believe that with all that I have learnt, the most important thing that I wish I knew way earlier is to spend time with God.
I was never the most consistent with doing quiet time or journalling. But for the days when I do manage to, scripture continues to reveal new things about God that rebukes of the way I live and at the same time reassures me of my place in Him. Spending time with God has brought me closer to His heart and from then on, it has become such a habit to talk to God about whatever whenever. All I can say is to give God the best of your time, not the rest of your time.
Looking back at the two decades of the good, the bad and the ugly, I have seen God's faithful hand at work. He was there at my mountain top highs and my valley lows. Through the trials, I have grown and through the blessings, I have received. I am eternally grateful for this God who loves me so.
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A bit lengthy than usual, but I hope I left you with some nuggets of wisdom to take back and munch on with some barbecue sauce.
For those of you who have read right until here, thank you. For those of you who have played a part in my 20 years of life, thank you. For those of you who have read this and felt as if I am writing about you — the ones who have knowingly hurt me, I forgive you; the ones who I have unknowingly hurt, I am sorry; the ones who have taught me these things, thank you.
Here's to many more things to learn.
